I can’t sleep. It’s almost 8 in the morning, and I’m still on “yesterday” while most of the world has moved onto “today”. This sleep schedule I seem to have immersed myself in is becoming problematic. I’m starting to find that I’m staying up later and later each night (morning). I try to fix it, I really do. Sometimes I just think I should forget it, sleep this third shift schedule and be done. I get off work at 3 in the morning, so that doesn’t help. The problem is, by the time I’m waking up ready for my morning coffee, most people are cleaning up their dinner plates and sitting down to the evening news, and it’s starting to really bug me.
So, here I sit, awake. It’s my day off, I could just not sleep until I get tired sometime tonight. Or, I could sleep now and then take some sleeping pills sometime tomorrow night. I don’t know, neither option seems good. I really have no point to this post, other than I’m awake, and my husband is asleep so that means it’s time for my mind to wander. I don’t think I like when my mind wanders sometimes, because it always depresses me.
I’m so freaking upbeat and bubbly it’s insane – but when he’s asleep and I turn the TV off, or put the book down… I just start to think, and I start to get depressed. Where did it go wrong? I was on a path, I had a goal. I graduated high school in the top 25% of my class. I went straight to college to major in broadcast journalism. Problem was, I hated it. I wanted to go to school to study film – so I changed my major to graphic design. Makes sense… sure, right? No, not even a little bit. That was a bust. So three years into college I decided to transfer to a private film school. Oh man I was so happy – I finally found my place in life. I finally found a way to achieve my dreams.
The problem was, by that time in my life (age 21) I no longer had a place to live at home – my room was someone else’s room. I was on my own, and working full-time. The other problem was, I lost my state financial funding because my new school was out-of-state. My Pell grant was lowered as well. So I had to turn to student loans, and only got enough per semester to pay for around 3 classes. Not to mention after my Junior year of college I transferred, losing all but about 40 credit hours. But I wasn’t thinking of these things, I was thinking I was finally going to do something to make me happy, to fulfill my dreams.
Soon after the big transfer, my boyfriend (now husband) moved in with me. I was at the age that most people have graduated college, have started careers. But due to my brilliant (and I’m using that term sarcastically) idea to transfer colleges, I was almost starting college over again. Don’t get me wrong, I did love school once I transferred. The classes were in things I honestly love (screenwriting, film editing, film history, cinematography…). But right when I was starting to see the finish line, the light at the end of that long college tunnel – the money ran dry. The grants were gone, and I ran out of loans.
That was a year and a half ago. And it kills me inside, on nights like this when I can’t shut off the voice in my mind long enough to immerse myself in a book, or concentrate on a movie. The voice is screaming so loud its drowning out everything else (even my husband’s snoring). It’s yelling at me to figure it out, just find something else. Do something else. My life isn’t supposed to be about answering angry people’s phone calls when their internet doesn’t work right. My life isn’t supposed to be halted like this… but for a year and a half it has been. I’ve been stagnant. It is driving me crazy. I’m two semesters away from an Associate degree in Screenwriting and a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Film Editing. But all that means is I’ve just got a high school diploma. My 10 year high school reunion is next year – and all I have to show for those ten years is a lot of debt that I have no hope of paying.
This is where my mind goes when I can’t sleep. It just keeps me up later and later. If only there was some way to shut it up. I think I’ll go start a fight club.