Being a Bummer

Glee pretty much bummed me out tonight. It wasn’t even a really sad episode, I don’t think. I don’t really know what it was, but something just… bummed me out!

The characters are all saying goodbye to each other, and I hate that a lot of them are graduating and moving on. The powers that be at the show, of course, aren’t releasing many details about what the show will be like post-graduation, but I’m just assuming they will all go, never to be seen again.

I know, I know, quit whining. They are a bunch of high school kids ready to go on with their lives, and I’m just a —- what am I?

That’s what really started bumming me out. What am I? I don’t know. This past weekend, my fellow class of 2002-ers celebrated our 10 year high school reunion. They are all professionals now, married (well, I know I’m married but still), kids, own homes, have careers. I just feel like I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m in no-man’s land. Somehow I’m not young enough to be just out of high school anymore, and I’m too old to even be a normal college student. I’m just here… stuck.

I don’t have anything to look forward to. It’s all gone. The characters in Glee have their whole lives in front of them now. They’ve got schools to apply to, and dreams to make true. I’m just here, I think, waiting for something that will never happen. I have a go nowhere job. It’s not a career, it just pays the bills. It’s not what I dreamed about when I was a kid. There was supposed to be more than this. But I can’t finish school. I’m out of financial aid and I can’t come up with the $14,000 I need to finish out of my own pocket. I don’t have a rich uncle or daddy’s credit card to blow through. All I have is myself, and my husband.

I know, life is what you  make it. I fully beleive that. But sometimes it’s just not so simple as saying go do what you want, whatever makes you happy. That would involve somehow probably moving to California, and even if I did… I still don’t have a degree. And the degree I was going for in the first place is probably pointless. Why can’t I go back 10 years and start over, just study something normal in a state school that doesn’t cost so much.

OK I’m just whining now. I know it. And I’m sorry. I  know this isn’t my normal quirky upbeat happy go lucky come what may attitude. I’m not even going to tag this with anything…. I just needed to get out my feelings.

I just wish I had that hope and fear that the characters of Glee are feeling right now (well you know… the made up characters with their made up feelings). They bummed me out because I realized I’m not like them anymore.

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6 thoughts on “Being a Bummer

  1. I hear you Laura! I think we always imagine that everyone else has their lives sorted out much more than we do, but mostly everyone else is just muddling through too. What is an ideal life? A brilliant career that not only pays really well but that we love + a blissfully happy marriage with wonderful children + excellent health for yourself and your loved ones. That’s probably what most people would aspire to, but how many actually have all that? Very few. You talk about your fellow classmates as being all sorted with their careers and owning homes etc, but are they happier than you? For all you know, they might be saying “Laura is such a lovely, bubbly, free-spirit, I wish I was more like that instead of having all these ties and commitments”.

    I’m 41 and I’m still muddling though, thinking I should be more financially secure by now, I should be this, I should be that. But you’re certainly allowed to have a whine and feel sorry for yourself now and again, we all do 😉

    • You are right! Thank you for your comment 🙂 They could be buried in mortgages with failed marriages and crappy kids to boot! I had to quit college in 2010 from financial aid issues (that I was told would be resolved but so far haven’t) I’m only a hand full of classes away from my degrees in screenwriting and film editing. I have basically just been wasting time waiting for the chance to get back to school and finish up… and I started thinking that maybe I was just waiting around here for something that was never going to happen and that maybe I should just move on and try to do life the best with what I have, even if it means not finishing my degrees. I feel like a college drop out, even though it was about as far from my choice as it could be. I’ve got good friends, and a husband who doesn’t question me when I say the random thoughts that pop into my head so, all is well 🙂

  2. It’s okay to feel like this. We all do from time to time. All the bad builds up and we sink under it. I am so glad a few days later things started to look up about college. 🙂

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