Living in a Tampon Commercial

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Let me set the stage for you.

It’s the Saturday before Christmas. My family has come together under one roof, as we always do every Saturday before Christmas. My cousin’s and I are all range from our mid to late 20’s to early 30’s. Some of them have kids which are all under a year old to 3-4 years old in age.

In short, chaos has ensued.

Everyone’s bellies are full. The crumbs of pies and cookies still litter the table(s).

For some reason when people have kids, they like to ask those of us who don’t when we’ll be joining in their misery. I can’t remember how this particular conversation began that I’m about to regale you with, but lets just pretend it began after someone was asked for the 800th time when they will be blessing this world with a snot-nosed creature of their own.

The following is a real conversation between myself, my cousin and my sister. Also, my grandfather is Daddaddy. That’s how it came out of my mouth before I was capable of proper thought, and that is what he remains to this day.

Cousin: My periods have been irregular lately.

Daddaddy walks up behind us and hands us our Christmas cards with money, seemingly out of nowhere. Has he been a ninja all my life and I never knew?!

Cousin: And we’re not going to talk about that now.

I burst into uncontrollable giggles, the “adults” (because obviously at 28 years old I’m NOT an adult!) look at me like “what’s up with this crazy person, oh wait that’s just Laura.”

Daddaddy exists stage left, at which point I turn back to my cousin.

Me: Oh my gosh me too! That’s so weird.

My Sister: You guys should try Mirena. (a type of birth control)

That was it, that did it. I lost it, I laughed until I cried, I couldn’t breathe, my stomach hurt.

I tried several times, but failed, to say “Oh my gosh guys we just did that thing they do on commercials! It really DOES happen!”

You know the type of commerical…ladies sit around moaning about that time of the month and then decide that if they use the latest birth control/maxi pad/tampon/Midol/etc that everything will be fields of daisies on a pleasant spring afternoon.

Not sure of the type of commercial I mean? Here, take a look at this old gem I found on YouTube.

Ah, well, you know what they say. Nothing like Christmas to bring cousins and sisters together to talk about period irregularity and birth control.

TMI? Oops oh well I should have warned about that in the beginning, eh?

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Horrific Life Lessons

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Last night my best friend of 12 years, Monica, and I had a girls night in. These are rare, as she is proud single mom to a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old. She’s definitely that one person that I can sit in a room and not speak for an hour and never feel uncomfortable – you know what I mean? Anyway, yesterday we suddenly found ourselves sans kids and at Wal-Mart at 10 o’clock at night buying toilet paper and coffee – because that’s what people who are 28 going on 80 do on a Saturday night! But honestly, that’s ok with me because the two of us can come up with our own fun – it doesn’t have to be going out to dinner or going to the bar (that was Thursday night!)

Inspiration struck and we found ourselves perusing ye olde RedBox for something…anything! We flipped through the pages to uninspired “Oh I’ve seen that” and “Hmm heard that was alright…” — then we saw our film. The one we knew we’d have the best time watching.

Madison County

Now I’m not going to bash this film for two reasons – 1. I enjoyed the time I had watching the movie. 2. It was sort of apparent that this was a low-budget independent group effort, and I love the people who make low-budget independent group efforts. I hope to be one of “them” someday. It was a little Hills Have Eyes meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre…but from what I can tell the filmmaker was going for that, so kudos to him – he succeeded.

What I am going to do, however, is share with you the list of life lessons Monica and I compiled while watching the characters of this movie.

So without further ado:

Life Lessons Learned from Madison County

1. No matter how bad you have to pee, freaking hold it until you find a gas station. If you legitimately have no other option then you’re driving in the wrong part of the country and will surly end up dead if you exit your car.

2. If you drive through a town that only has 1 gas station/restaurant combo, just keep driving. Hit up the next town and go on with your life.

3. If you and your friends find yourselves outside a creepy house that you had to hop a fence to get to, but no one is home so you decide to go back to “town” to ask more questions… GO AS A GROUP. One person doesn’t need to go back to town alone with the only car, you’re just asking to be murdered!

4. If you are alone in a cemetery and hear someone giggling, DO NOT under any circumstance investigate it. Get the hell out of the cemetery!

5. If you didn’t listen to life lesson 4 (idiot) and find the source of random cemetery giggling to be two scantily clad women who for some reason won’t acknowledge you, even though you keep following them shouting “Hey!!” – DO NOT continue to follow them. It’s a trap, I repeat, it’s a trap!

6. If you’re being a complete idiot and are still following the girls giggling in the cemetery and you find that they’ve jumped into a lake with their tops off, DO NOT join them — again, it’s a trap and you WILL be murdered.

7. If you’re in a creepy area and one of your friends wandered off like an idiot and you start to wonder about his whereabouts, just stick together as a group if you decide to go looking, DO NOT break off into subgroups.

8. If you’re with one other person and suddenly decide something is very important at the road that you need to run off and resolve, DO NOT leave that person alone, just take them with you. If you’re alone in the creepy country town with only one gas station/restaurant combo being ran by a creepy old lady, then you’re just asking to be murdered!!

9. If your friend sacrifices him or herself for you because there is a bad guy right behind you – DO NOT just continue to sit there crying like a tool. Either A. Go help your friend who now has the bad guy after them, or B. Run away to get help.

10. If your friend is murdered by some crazed killer mere feet from you, when the bad guy decides to wander off DO NOT go investigate your friend. RUN AWAY. They are dead, there’s nothing you can do now except get your ass out of there.

11. If you and a friend are being stalked down by a killer, do not hobble off holding onto each other. You’re not injured right now but you WILL be if you continue to hinder fast movement by hugging and walking at the same time. It’s idiotic. Get your ass in gear and MOVE!

12. If you find yourself with the upper hand against a crazed killer, DO NOT hit him once and then run. In a situation like this just think of the killer as a zombie or a vampire, they aren’t dead until their head has been chopped off!

13. If you didn’t listen to life lesson 12 and only hit the killer once and ran, then listen to life lesson 13 for crying out loud! If the bad guy is after you again because you were an idiot the first go around, and you manage to knock him or her down for a second time, for the love of all that is good in this world MAKE SURE THE MONSTER IS DEAD!

There you have it, life lessons all should live by. If you don’t, then you deserve to die!

Insane People: Part 3

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Working with the public has made me feel like this:

 

Sometimes people say things that just leave me speechless.

 
Customer: Don’t you have an earlier appointment, like one tomorrow?

Me: I can certainly put in a request to see if he can call you tomorrow, but I can’t promise it.

Customer: He better not come tomorrow! He will come when I damn well say he comes.

Me:…………………….

So… why did you ask?

Then I had another conversation that had me shaking my head.

Customer: I was told to call and have a $300 credit placed on my account.

Me: Why?

Customer: So the installation man can be paid.

Me: That’s not a procedure we have in place. He is paid by completing the job.

Customer: It is too.

Me: No, the installer is paid by doing the work not by having a credit on your account. A credit deducts money off of the balance due on your monthly statement.

Customer: No, that is how it works. You put a credit on the account and then the installer is paid.

Oh, my bad, I didn’t realize you worked here… Why do people insist they know how companies work? I’ve had people telling me they know I can do things because they work at a bank, or because they also work at a customer service center. I’m glad for you and your jobs but not all companies are cut from the same cloth. Not all companies have the same systems that perform the same function that have the same end result. Not all companies have the same set of rules. Sure some may share similarities but you cussing at me for 12 minutes isn’t going to magically make a procedure I previously told you was impossible suddenly possible. If only I was made of magic.

Ah well, I guess at the end of the day I’m grateful for the insanity, because it allows me to have a job.

Insane People: Part 2
Insane People: Part 1

What the World Wants to Know – July

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You guessed it! Time to see what weird google searches brought visitors to my blog in the last 30 days.  Without further ado (I copied and pasted these as is):

  • my granny pantyhose blog – Um?? I don’t even want to know.
  • shut up brain it’s sleep time – You’ve got a point there! It is sleep time dammit!
  • husband says our neighborhood looks like the ghetto – Maybe you should move then. Oh, wait…it’s my neighborhood that is the ghetto. Maybe I should move then. Nah that’s too much effort.
  • grammas in pantyhose –  Really? Why? This is disturbing, and I know I shoot myself in the foot by even putting this in a post…but when have I ever written about “grammas” and “pantyhose” together? There was this one time…oh wait, no, that never happened…
  • i’m married and i’m obsessed with tom hiddleston – Me too girlfriend, me too.

  • “my husband’s belly button” – my husband has a pretty amusing belly button, now that I think about it. I like to button attack him when he least suspects it. Mwahahaha. Oh crap, he reads this.
  • harry potter fat kid – Bitch I know you’re talkin’ bout Neville and you can just back on up off that “fat” comment, he is svelte and amazing and we don’t go ’round talkin’ bout Neville like that!…..Ahem whoah sorry about that, I seemed to have gone a little crazy.
  • “90s bangs” – Please, no. Don’t do it. Nothing good will come of it. Put the scissors down and slowly back away.
  • limebirds – Yeah, Limebirds! Now that was worthy a google search!
  • tom hiddleston loves cheese cakes – Well who the heck doesn’t?

There you have it folks, the things that keep the world up at night. They’re definitely keeping me up at night now…

 

Insane People: Part 2

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There’s something about working customer service that really opens ones eyes to the insanity that abounds in this world.  People get so worked up about things that don’t matter! There was one guy the other day saying we “ruined his life.” – I’m still not sure how, but I just can’t imagine calling Time Warner up and telling them they’ve ruined my life. I mean sure, Time Warner has some of the crappiest customer support I’ve ever had to deal with, but at the end of the day I know I could go out and get my internet somewhere else if I felt they were ruining my life!

Anyway, I digress.

One of the things that kills me about people is that they don’t seem to grasp the concept of commerce. I never realized before I started working where I do that so many things in life are supposed to be free, like cell services, cable, internet, etc…

Me: Hello, (insert customer name here) how can I help you today?

Customer: I got an email that my card was charged, I didn’t authorize that.

Me: Our billing is all automatic, we automatically debit your payment each month.

Customer: I did not authorize that, you put the money back on my card now!

Me: It appears you haven’t paid the bill, though.

Customer: But the email says I did!

Me: We actually don’t have a payment method here to bill you from. You need to add one to the account so we can take the monthly payment.

Customer: I DID NOT AUTHORIZE YOU TO TAKE PAYMENTS!

Me: OK…the payment hasn’t been made.

Customer: Ok, because I didn’t authorize a payment.

Me: Ok…

Customer: You’re not taking a payment unless I authorize it. And I don’t.

Me: Ok… no payment has been made.

Customer: I haven’t authorized a payment! I’m going to get a lawyer!

Me: We haven’t taken a payment. We have no payment method on file to take a payment from. You have not made a payment, we have not taken a payment. But your account is now past due and a payment must be made to avoid suspension.

Customer: Well  you’re not getting a payment. You’ll get one when I say you do.

Me: Ok…

Customer: And I don’t authorize a payment.

Me: Ok…

Customer: I’ll mail a check when I feel like it.

Me: We don’t accept checks by mail.

Customer: You’ll get paid how I say you’ll get paid.

Me: Ok. That’s fine and all but we don’t accept payments by mail so you’ll still owe the balance.

Customer: I haven’t authorized a payment!!

For part one of the insanity – click here

LOKI’D!

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OK… I hereby solemnly swear to try to shut up about Loki sometime soon.

TRY I said… that’s the key word.

So, lately I’ve been cracking up at the god of mischief in this video from MTV’s After Hours –

loki’d from gorgeous anon on Vimeo.

After yelling “LOKI’D” in my husband’s face at top volume for about a day, it struck me, “Why not just play some pranks yourself, Laura?” And then myself replied, “That is the best idea you’ve had all day!”

Well, wouldn’t you know my delight when my husband handed me his phone and asked me to plug it in for him. MWAHAHA, I had an idea.

My first round of Loki’d, I decided to set a calendar alarm on his phone, to go off at 5 a.m. (The hour isn’t bad, we are usually still up at 5 a.m.) I slyly handed him his phone and told him I was going to stretch out and watch a movie in the other room. About 30 minutes later, I hear “Come here!” from the living room. Oh… I’m giggling on the inside at full volume by then.  He’s sitting there giving me that “Oh, you scamp” look, with the alert going off on his phone.

HA!

LOKI’D!

I love iPhones, it makes it easy to document my pranks!

 

Guess what he found when he closed the calendar part of his phone and went to his home screen?

LOKI’D!!!

HAHAHA Oh I do go on.

I ended my Loki pranks for the night there, and let it go. He made some mention of having to get me back now… pffftt. Whatev’s dude.

The next day he made the mistake of leaving his phone near me again.

Hahahah I’m the bad guy!

You’ve been Loki’d again! It was at that point that he threatened to poo in my food. He used those words exactly. Poo. In my food. Well, he is the one that does all the cooking around here, because when I cook it turns to some sort of hardened charcoal… I don’t want any poo in my food, so maybe I’ll ease off…. for a day or two!

It seems he got tired of being Loki’d though, and has now locked me out of his phone! The nerve! I swear!

BUT now every time he wants to use his phone he has to punch in his code and go through that extra step, and really isn’t that a win for me!? It’s like being Loki’d over and over again! HAHAHAHA LOKI’D!!!!

Loki!

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I’ve got it bad for Tom Hiddleston/Loki.

I watch this video at least 4 times a day, if not more!

I don’t even know what is going on! I mean, I went through that stage in middle school where I was in love with Johnathan Taylor Thomas and Hanson, and in high school where I’d swoon at rock stars feet…but this is just weird! I mean, I’m married and I’m pushing 30 and I feel like some kinda crazy woman in love with …

Well damn have you seen his smile?

Boom. Try not to faint.

I don’t know why I’m so in love with this man… I mean his smile….his eyes…..his accent…..SWOON.

Phew give me a minute here.

Must…catch…my…breath…

People keep asking me why I keep talking about him around my husband. Here’s the deal. Hubby knows, and why on earth would he care? He’s got celebrity crushes. I know if Fran Drescher walked into the room I’d be immediately forgotten. It’s not like in the unlikely event that I find myself in the same room as Tom Hiddleston that I will immediately shred all clothing and throw myself onto his person with my husband standing there.

No. I’d give Tom a sly little wink wink nudge nudge action, shake the hubby, and then throw myself at him! DUH!

Seriously, I kid. In all honesty my husband is my best friend, and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt his feeling or rob him of his manhood or anything like that. He accepts I’m in love with Tom Hiddleston, and buys me toys to support my obsession!

No, not THAT type of toy, you sick perv!

Also, my hubby doesn’t beat me when I send him texts like this:

Mostly I have the best hubby ever, he knows I’m obsessed with Loki and doesn’t laugh at me when I do things like this to my computer monitor:

So fear not friends, if I end up murdered by my hubby in the middle of the night, it will not be due to my obsession with Tom Hiddleston.

It will probably be because I “accidentally” bumped into where it hurts the most on a man with my elbow one too many times….whoops!

Thor who?