Living in a Tampon Commercial

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Let me set the stage for you.

It’s the Saturday before Christmas. My family has come together under one roof, as we always do every Saturday before Christmas. My cousin’s and I are all range from our mid to late 20’s to early 30’s. Some of them have kids which are all under a year old to 3-4 years old in age.

In short, chaos has ensued.

Everyone’s bellies are full. The crumbs of pies and cookies still litter the table(s).

For some reason when people have kids, they like to ask those of us who don’t when we’ll be joining in their misery. I can’t remember how this particular conversation began that I’m about to regale you with, but lets just pretend it began after someone was asked for the 800th time when they will be blessing this world with a snot-nosed creature of their own.

The following is a real conversation between myself, my cousin and my sister. Also, my grandfather is Daddaddy. That’s how it came out of my mouth before I was capable of proper thought, and that is what he remains to this day.

Cousin: My periods have been irregular lately.

Daddaddy walks up behind us and hands us our Christmas cards with money, seemingly out of nowhere. Has he been a ninja all my life and I never knew?!

Cousin: And we’re not going to talk about that now.

I burst into uncontrollable giggles, the “adults” (because obviously at 28 years old I’m NOT an adult!) look at me like “what’s up with this crazy person, oh wait that’s just Laura.”

Daddaddy exists stage left, at which point I turn back to my cousin.

Me: Oh my gosh me too! That’s so weird.

My Sister: You guys should try Mirena. (a type of birth control)

That was it, that did it. I lost it, I laughed until I cried, I couldn’t breathe, my stomach hurt.

I tried several times, but failed, to say “Oh my gosh guys we just did that thing they do on commercials! It really DOES happen!”

You know the type of commerical…ladies sit around moaning about that time of the month and then decide that if they use the latest birth control/maxi pad/tampon/Midol/etc that everything will be fields of daisies on a pleasant spring afternoon.

Not sure of the type of commercial I mean? Here, take a look at this old gem I found on YouTube.

Ah, well, you know what they say. Nothing like Christmas to bring cousins and sisters together to talk about period irregularity and birth control.

TMI? Oops oh well I should have warned about that in the beginning, eh?

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LOKI’D!

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OK… I hereby solemnly swear to try to shut up about Loki sometime soon.

TRY I said… that’s the key word.

So, lately I’ve been cracking up at the god of mischief in this video from MTV’s After Hours –

loki’d from gorgeous anon on Vimeo.

After yelling “LOKI’D” in my husband’s face at top volume for about a day, it struck me, “Why not just play some pranks yourself, Laura?” And then myself replied, “That is the best idea you’ve had all day!”

Well, wouldn’t you know my delight when my husband handed me his phone and asked me to plug it in for him. MWAHAHA, I had an idea.

My first round of Loki’d, I decided to set a calendar alarm on his phone, to go off at 5 a.m. (The hour isn’t bad, we are usually still up at 5 a.m.) I slyly handed him his phone and told him I was going to stretch out and watch a movie in the other room. About 30 minutes later, I hear “Come here!” from the living room. Oh… I’m giggling on the inside at full volume by then.  He’s sitting there giving me that “Oh, you scamp” look, with the alert going off on his phone.

HA!

LOKI’D!

I love iPhones, it makes it easy to document my pranks!

 

Guess what he found when he closed the calendar part of his phone and went to his home screen?

LOKI’D!!!

HAHAHA Oh I do go on.

I ended my Loki pranks for the night there, and let it go. He made some mention of having to get me back now… pffftt. Whatev’s dude.

The next day he made the mistake of leaving his phone near me again.

Hahahah I’m the bad guy!

You’ve been Loki’d again! It was at that point that he threatened to poo in my food. He used those words exactly. Poo. In my food. Well, he is the one that does all the cooking around here, because when I cook it turns to some sort of hardened charcoal… I don’t want any poo in my food, so maybe I’ll ease off…. for a day or two!

It seems he got tired of being Loki’d though, and has now locked me out of his phone! The nerve! I swear!

BUT now every time he wants to use his phone he has to punch in his code and go through that extra step, and really isn’t that a win for me!? It’s like being Loki’d over and over again! HAHAHAHA LOKI’D!!!!

The god of my Heart

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Um…hi? *knock knock knock* Is this thing on?

So I’ve been silent for about a month now, I wanted to apologize for that. I know it’s in bad blogger form. My husband keeps telling me I “need to cheesecake”, and I know  he’s right. He goes about a month in between posts though, so I don’t know who he thinks he is telling me I need better blogger form. Harumph!

What’s been going on in my life for the past month that merits a chuckle-worthy blog post you ask? Not a whole lot really, hence the silence. I don’t know, I’ve not been particularly amused or horrified of anything lately.

But what I have found…is a new husband! Yep that’s right you heard it here first folks, in a month’s time I’ve divorced Woo and hitched up with a new man.

He’s a pretty powerful guy. Actually, he wants to rule the world, and how could a girl not love that. He’s got these awesomely beautiful blue eyes and a really cool staff. Not like he employes a staff, but  you know… a big stick thingy? Oh and his smile is absolutely swoon-worthy.

I know I’ve found my mate for life. Dear readers, I must admit I’m one happy girl to have found this love.

I’ve got a few of the wedding pics back, and I thought I’d share them here with you all.

Just mere moments after the big “I do”, isn’t he a dream boat?

I know he’s thinking “I couldn’t be happier…except if my plot to rule Earth had actually gone as planned.”

Unfortunately, my husband’s brother Thor has taken him back to Asgard because he’s a “bad guy”. Gah my brother-in-law can be such a hot head! I mean, Thor went all crashing into Jotunheim and pissing off a bunch of frost giants and putting the welfare of Asgard in danger. But nooooooo everyone’s all “Thor’s the greatest look at his awesome blonde locks he can do no harm..” yadda yadda, bull crap I say.

My husband Loki is just misunderstood. I mean, as a baby he was torn from his birth father and raised next to the mighty Thor, but had no hope of ever becoming the King of Asgard. So he may be a little mischievous… everyone wants to have a little fun now and then, do they not?

Ah Loki, I dream of the day you’ll be back in my arms again…

How could a girl not fall for a man with such an awesome helmet?

This Month’s Round of Weirdness

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Last month I posted about the search terms that led people to my blog. I probably shot myself in the foot doing that, but I think it’s funny so that’s not going to stop me from doing it again!

So, since that last post I’ve had some more strange and similar search terms leading folks to read your’s truly. Some of these really do terrify and confuse me.

my husband is into pantyhose: My husband isn’t. If he is, he’s not letting me know about it. Wait, let me ask him.

Me: Hey, you into pantyhose?

Him: *Incredulous look* Am I into them? No why?

Me: Because people are searching “my husband is into pantyhose” to get to my blog.

Him: Weird…

Ok I think that means he’s not into pantyhose. Phew you heard it here first… my husband is not into pantyhose. Glad we cleared up that mystery.

naked painting sex man woman: Ohhh we are changing it up a bit, I see. Last month the search “paintings of man sex” led folks to my blog, this month we are adding a woman into the mix! Still confusing as to why google would send someone to my blog by searching for that, as I don’t talk about naked people often…let me ask my husband if he knows.

Me: Hey do you know why people are googleing naked painting sex man woman?

Him: No idea…

Well, this one is still a mystery to us all!

husband pantyhose: Really?!

reggae, my old kentucky home: I doubt that there are many folks in my old Kentucky hometown that are into reggae, though personally I do enjoy me some Bob Marley from time to time.

girl smoking spitting: Well she needs some damn manners, doesn’t she? My granny always told me if I ever felt like I needed to spit, to go into the bathroom and shut the door so no one could see me, because proper girls aren’t supposed to spit. I’ll ask my husband what he thinks.

Me: What do you think about a girl smoking spitting?

Him: Smoking spitting?

Me: A girl, smoking spitting?

Him: A girl smoking…it’s OK. Spitting, that’s gross. Why are you asking me such weird questions.

Me: Because I am.

Him: Are you interviewing me without my knowledge again? You are! How long have you been doing this? You’re still typing. UGH!

jared padalecki instagram: Always happy to oblige.

Yeah….brood for me.

 

Want one of Jensen Ackles too?

Oh sure why the heck not, I’ll throw one in of Misha Collins too.

Ahh feel better now with the pretty faces of Supernatural? Me too. Good, good.

Well, that’s pretty much it for this month’s round of weirdness. Until next time…

 

The Ghetto-Adjacent

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My husband and I live in the ghetto-adjacent, as he likes to call it. Now I know in the grand scheme of the world, our little neighborhood isn’t the ghetto in terms of inner city ghetto. But for small town Kentucky… it’s a bit rough. Well, the street we are adjacent to, that is. Our street is a bit hit or miss.

This is what the ghetto-adjacent looks like through a mound of snow!

The walls in our apartment are paper thin. The neighbor is cussing out is dog? I can hear it. Burps. Hear it. Yelling at the game. Check. Due to these thin walls…and the nature of our neighborhood, my husband and I have had our fair share of interesting neighbors in the uh… 7 or 8 years we’ve live here? I can’t even remember. We don’t get to know our neighbors, mostly because we are terrified of them. So we just came up with descriptions and nicknames for them all.

1. Pukey and Allergy Boy: We named them this because we could hear the woman puking all the time, and one time we heard her say that the guy was allergic to chicken. They were fairly inoffensive as neighbors, but they were our first here.

2. Victory Man and Victory Minion who lived in Victory Manor (aka the apartment next door): Two men sharing the apartment next door. We named them this because they seemed to find everything victorious! The game. VICTORY. Using the toilet. VICTORY! We’d hear them slamming the toilet seat down, and yelling what surely was a victory call.

3. The Polygamist: No explanation needed.

4. The crack dealer in #1: Same

5. The Cable-Stealing Mullet-Man and Baby-Stealing Stripper: Just like it sounds.

6. The guy who’s wife threw his head through the wall, who in turn threw his brother’s head through the wall. They all got arrested. The pregnant wife was arrested for something heroin related. They loved Nickelback. And the crappy Limp Bizkit version of “Behind Blue Eyes.”

7. Corey: We only know his name because he came by bumming pop and cigarettes all the time. He cried a lot. I think his girlfriend or whatever she was got knocked up by another dude. He found this out on Thanksgiving. It was a loud Thanksgiving. He threw an ashtray full of ashes at our door… I don’t know why.

8. The crazy lady who had 4 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment and her abusive baby-daddy. She’s pregnant again. Thankfully, they just moved out. They were loud. I once  had my mom on the phone and held my phone up in the air asking if she could hear them…she could.

What the World Wants to Know

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Sometimes I find strange search engine terms that have led people to my blog. My husband found it amusing that he wrote one blog post about Katherine Heigel in her bra, and now gets traffic daily from people searching that out.  So now he includes a picture of her in a bra with every post. Seriously, world? This is what motivates people … Katherine Heigel in a bra.

Anyway, here are some of the more interesting things that people have done a google search on leading them to my blog (I’m copying and pasting these just as they are, I’m not correcting spelling or grammar):

limebirds band: Well, I am a part of the Limebird Writers, but I didn’t know we had a band! Can I join in on tambourine?

paintings of man sex: Oh yeah, paintings of man sex, I know how that led someone to my blog….wait, what? Paintings of man sex? No I don’t think I’ve ever written about or included paintings of man sex. Do you think now that I’ve said “Paintings of man sex”  5 times it will lead more people here? I hope they aren’t disappointed when they find 0 paintings of man sex. (Disturbingly enough, this brought 2 people to my blog…)

pitchers of supernatural: Well I wasn’t aware that one could drink the Winchester brothers (must….get….mind….out … of … gutter… nope too late!)… but I have posted pictures of Supernatural. Here’s one now!

cheap ways to cover walls: Been throwing one too many head through a wall and need to cover up the crime? Sorry to say I cannot help in that department.

sidegoggled: Now this I’m actually pleased to see. It confirms that I in fact did not make up the word side goggled. Take that husband! Neener needer boo boo!

how would i look like gails mother from hunger games: I don’t know how you would look like Gale’s mother, maybe because that is the way you were born? This question is giving me brain damage.

fat kid from harry potter: Well that’s just hurtful! How would you like it if I called you “skinny kid from the internet”? Yeah… doesn’t really have a sting to it, does it? Moving on.

cheesecake congress: Do we vote for cheesecakes to be in congress? Or is there a congress composed of only cheesecakes? I’m intrigued by this idea of cheesecake congress. More importantly, I really want some cheesecake now.

cheesecake deprivation: That is a sad SAD thought, to be sitting alone deprived of cheesecake. That should be illegal.

what is the first book in the uglies series: Uglies

“pantyhose” husband: Again, why did this search term lead someone to my blog? My husband doesn’t wear pantyhose, that I know of. (Well…there was this one Halloween…) If he did happen to wear pantyhose, I certainly wouldn’t blog about it for the world to see.

what is neville’s real name in real life?: IMDb.com is a great website.

last name woo: It’s a pretty fun last name to have, if I do say so myself. It really confuses people when they see me since I’m a super fair-skinned, light-haired and  blue-eyed woman, and they learn my last name. No, no one has asked me if I was Chinese on the phone (a receptionist asked me if I ever got that question). Oddly enough, my husband who is part Chinese doesn’t look a bit Chinese at all, but no one seems to question why his last name is Woo…

dax shepard sam rockwell: Oh, I hope my husband doesn’t see this.

“two lindsay lohans”: Dear God, no! Oh wait you probably mean The Parent Trap, don’t you?

are you a man or a muppet: I’m a muppet of a man.

that awkward moment when dean winchester: bursts into my room naked. Oh wait, no my head was still in the gutter from earlier, sorry about that.

These are the things that keep people up at night. Now, these are the things that keep me up at night.

Satanic Forces Are At Work Here

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Maybe I’ve been watching too much Supernatural lately…

I take that back, I know I’ve been watching too much Supernatural…but I just can’t stay away!

Woo and I were out on our porch yesterday afternoon and I looked up to see this demon staring straight into my soul from the apartment across the street. I mean, it was literally eating away at my soul trying to devour all that was good so it could lead me into the dark-side!

So I did what any rational 28 year old woman would do…I hid behind my husband yelling, “Is it gone yet?”

Of course it wasn’t gone.

Well, since it wasn’t leaving I knew I had to get a picture of it, to see if its eyes were glowing of course! From across the street my phone camera was doing a pretty poor job of capturing the demon, though.

That left me with only one other option – record it with the video camera.

Please excuse my squealing… I was dealing with a demon here though, I think I’m allowed to squeal, right?

It didn’t move while I was recording it, but several times yesterday I saw the demon’s head move, scanning the street for more souls to devour.

Doing something completely out of my element today, I worked up the courage to march across the street and get a closer look at this demon who had moved into my neighborhood to feast on the souls of the innocent.

Turns out it’s nothing but a freaking Garfield window cling.

Innocent? I think not!

I have this demon’s number. It’s just disguised as an innocent cute Garfield plush to lure the children into its lair!

It won’t get me!