Horrific Life Lessons

8

Last night my best friend of 12 years, Monica, and I had a girls night in. These are rare, as she is proud single mom to a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old. She’s definitely that one person that I can sit in a room and not speak for an hour and never feel uncomfortable – you know what I mean? Anyway, yesterday we suddenly found ourselves sans kids and at Wal-Mart at 10 o’clock at night buying toilet paper and coffee – because that’s what people who are 28 going on 80 do on a Saturday night! But honestly, that’s ok with me because the two of us can come up with our own fun – it doesn’t have to be going out to dinner or going to the bar (that was Thursday night!)

Inspiration struck and we found ourselves perusing ye olde RedBox for something…anything! We flipped through the pages to uninspired “Oh I’ve seen that” and “Hmm heard that was alright…” — then we saw our film. The one we knew we’d have the best time watching.

Madison County

Now I’m not going to bash this film for two reasons – 1. I enjoyed the time I had watching the movie. 2. It was sort of apparent that this was a low-budget independent group effort, and I love the people who make low-budget independent group efforts. I hope to be one of “them” someday. It was a little Hills Have Eyes meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre…but from what I can tell the filmmaker was going for that, so kudos to him – he succeeded.

What I am going to do, however, is share with you the list of life lessons Monica and I compiled while watching the characters of this movie.

So without further ado:

Life Lessons Learned from Madison County

1. No matter how bad you have to pee, freaking hold it until you find a gas station. If you legitimately have no other option then you’re driving in the wrong part of the country and will surly end up dead if you exit your car.

2. If you drive through a town that only has 1 gas station/restaurant combo, just keep driving. Hit up the next town and go on with your life.

3. If you and your friends find yourselves outside a creepy house that you had to hop a fence to get to, but no one is home so you decide to go back to “town” to ask more questions… GO AS A GROUP. One person doesn’t need to go back to town alone with the only car, you’re just asking to be murdered!

4. If you are alone in a cemetery and hear someone giggling, DO NOT under any circumstance investigate it. Get the hell out of the cemetery!

5. If you didn’t listen to life lesson 4 (idiot) and find the source of random cemetery giggling to be two scantily clad women who for some reason won’tĀ acknowledge you, even though you keep following them shouting “Hey!!” – DO NOT continue to follow them. It’s a trap, I repeat, it’s a trap!

6. If you’re being a complete idiot and are still following the girls giggling in the cemetery and you find that they’ve jumped into a lake with their tops off, DO NOT join them — again, it’s a trap and you WILL be murdered.

7. If you’re in a creepy area and one of your friends wandered off like an idiot and you start to wonder about his whereabouts, just stick together as a group if you decide to go looking, DO NOT break off into subgroups.

8. If you’re with one other person and suddenly decide something is very important at the road that you need to run off and resolve, DO NOT leave that person alone, just take them with you. If you’re alone in the creepy country town with only one gas station/restaurant combo being ran by a creepy old lady, then you’re just asking to be murdered!!

9. If your friend sacrifices him or herself for you because there is a bad guy right behind you – DO NOT just continue to sit there crying like a tool. Either A. Go help your friend who now has the bad guy after them, or B. Run away to get help.

10. If your friend is murdered by some crazed killer mere feet from you, when the bad guy decides to wander off DO NOT go investigate your friend. RUN AWAY. They are dead, there’s nothing you can do now except get your ass out of there.

11. If you and a friend are being stalked down by a killer, do not hobble off holding onto each other. You’re not injured right now but you WILL be if you continue to hinder fast movement by hugging and walking at the same time. It’s idiotic. Get your ass in gear and MOVE!

12. If you find yourself with the upper hand against a crazed killer, DO NOT hit him once and then run. In a situation like this just think of the killer as a zombie or a vampire, they aren’t dead until their head has been chopped off!

13. If you didn’t listen to life lesson 12 and only hit the killer once and ran, then listen to life lesson 13 for crying out loud! If the bad guy is after you again because you were an idiot the first go around, and you manage to knock him or her down for a second time, for the love of all that is good in this world MAKE SURE THE MONSTER IS DEAD!

There you have it, life lessons all should live by. If you don’t, then you deserve to die!

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