*Language Warning! Harsh language below! All in jest!*
So, trying to get to the bottom his confusion between Dax and Sam, I sat down and “interviewed” my husband about Zort.
Laura: Why do you call “him” Zort?
David: I couldn’t remember Dax Zort’s real name but I knew it was some weird outerspace name, Zort was the first thing that came to mind. Turns out I wasn’t that far off.
Laura: But Sam Rockwell is a pretty standard name?
David: It’s part of the cover.
Laura: But they don’t look anything alike…
David: Horse-shit! They are identical.
Laura: Of their collective work, what is your favorite?
David: I don’t know…I liked Employee of the Month but I think that just makes me retarded. I liked Lets go to Prison too, but mostly because Will Arnette was in it. Which Zort was that?
Laura: Dax Shepard.
David: Oh I liked Iron Man 2.You claim they are two guys, fine. Why doesn’t someone just make a movie where they are both in it playing identical twins. Then everyone can see what I see. Oh wait, you can’t do that because they are the same dude.
Laura: But they did that in the Parent Trap with the same person.
David: Yeah but no one ever claimed there were two…what was that little broads name…Hailey Mills. Wait are you writting all that shit down? Oh boy. I mean no one ever claimed there were two of them. Wasn’t there one that had two Lindsay Lohans – a remake? Now that’s bad-ass. They should do that now days. Or 5 years ago, before she was a heroin soaked skellatal mess. Like during the Herbie the Lovebug days when it had just become OK to think evil thoughts about her but before she went to ruin herself. I’m coming across as a monster aren’t I?
Laura: Ahem, back to Zort.
David: I never wanted to fuck him. What about Zort?
Laura: If you met Dax Shephard what would you say to him?
David: I loved you in Iron Man 2. Then I’d watch his reaction real close.
Laura: Which Zort do you prefer?
David: I don’t know. I mean, they’re both such mixed bags. I think that’s what’s so comforting on my theory that there is just one Zort. There is one collective list of successes and mistakes. Which one was Choke?
Laura: Sam Rockwell.
David: HA! See I would have said it was the other one!
Laura: Any last thoughts on the thing that is Zort?
David: Man, what a confusing dude. What kind of name is Zort anyway? I like tasty sandwiches. You know what else I like? Gravy. Sometimes it’s OK to put gravy on sandwiches, but not always. You don’t always have to do that open face bullshit when you do it either. That can sometimes be a cop-out.
Then he fell asleep, so I’m taking that as the end of my little interview. I’m not sure how making an open face sandwich is a cop-out though…I guess I’ll have to figure that one out in the morning.