Living in a Tampon Commercial

7

Let me set the stage for you.

It’s the Saturday before Christmas. My family has come together under one roof, as we always do every Saturday before Christmas. My cousin’s and I are all range from our mid to late 20’s to early 30’s. Some of them have kids which are all under a year old to 3-4 years old in age.

In short, chaos has ensued.

Everyone’s bellies are full. The crumbs of pies and cookies still litter the table(s).

For some reason when people have kids, they like to ask those of us who don’t when we’ll be joining in their misery. I can’t remember how this particular conversation began that I’m about to regale you with, but lets just pretend it began after someone was asked for the 800th time when they will be blessing this world with a snot-nosed creature of their own.

The following is a real conversation between myself, my cousin and my sister. Also, my grandfather is Daddaddy. That’s how it came out of my mouth before I was capable of proper thought, and that is what he remains to this day.

Cousin: My periods have been irregular lately.

Daddaddy walks up behind us and hands us our Christmas cards with money, seemingly out of nowhere. Has he been a ninja all my life and I never knew?!

Cousin: And we’re not going to talk about that now.

I burst into uncontrollable giggles, the “adults” (because obviously at 28 years old I’m NOT an adult!) look at me like “what’s up with this crazy person, oh wait that’s just Laura.”

Daddaddy exists stage left, at which point I turn back to my cousin.

Me: Oh my gosh me too! That’s so weird.

My Sister: You guys should try Mirena. (a type of birth control)

That was it, that did it. I lost it, I laughed until I cried, I couldn’t breathe, my stomach hurt.

I tried several times, but failed, to say “Oh my gosh guys we just did that thing they do on commercials! It really DOES happen!”

You know the type of commerical…ladies sit around moaning about that time of the month and then decide that if they use the latest birth control/maxi pad/tampon/Midol/etc that everything will be fields of daisies on a pleasant spring afternoon.

Not sure of the type of commercial I mean? Here, take a look at this old gem I found on YouTube.

Ah, well, you know what they say. Nothing like Christmas to bring cousins and sisters together to talk about period irregularity and birth control.

TMI? Oops oh well I should have warned about that in the beginning, eh?

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The god of my Heart

10

Um…hi? *knock knock knock* Is this thing on?

So I’ve been silent for about a month now, I wanted to apologize for that. I know it’s in bad blogger form. My husband keeps telling me I “need to cheesecake”, and I know  he’s right. He goes about a month in between posts though, so I don’t know who he thinks he is telling me I need better blogger form. Harumph!

What’s been going on in my life for the past month that merits a chuckle-worthy blog post you ask? Not a whole lot really, hence the silence. I don’t know, I’ve not been particularly amused or horrified of anything lately.

But what I have found…is a new husband! Yep that’s right you heard it here first folks, in a month’s time I’ve divorced Woo and hitched up with a new man.

He’s a pretty powerful guy. Actually, he wants to rule the world, and how could a girl not love that. He’s got these awesomely beautiful blue eyes and a really cool staff. Not like he employes a staff, but  you know… a big stick thingy? Oh and his smile is absolutely swoon-worthy.

I know I’ve found my mate for life. Dear readers, I must admit I’m one happy girl to have found this love.

I’ve got a few of the wedding pics back, and I thought I’d share them here with you all.

Just mere moments after the big “I do”, isn’t he a dream boat?

I know he’s thinking “I couldn’t be happier…except if my plot to rule Earth had actually gone as planned.”

Unfortunately, my husband’s brother Thor has taken him back to Asgard because he’s a “bad guy”. Gah my brother-in-law can be such a hot head! I mean, Thor went all crashing into Jotunheim and pissing off a bunch of frost giants and putting the welfare of Asgard in danger. But nooooooo everyone’s all “Thor’s the greatest look at his awesome blonde locks he can do no harm..” yadda yadda, bull crap I say.

My husband Loki is just misunderstood. I mean, as a baby he was torn from his birth father and raised next to the mighty Thor, but had no hope of ever becoming the King of Asgard. So he may be a little mischievous… everyone wants to have a little fun now and then, do they not?

Ah Loki, I dream of the day you’ll be back in my arms again…

How could a girl not fall for a man with such an awesome helmet?

Satanic Forces Are At Work Here

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Maybe I’ve been watching too much Supernatural lately…

I take that back, I know I’ve been watching too much Supernatural…but I just can’t stay away!

Woo and I were out on our porch yesterday afternoon and I looked up to see this demon staring straight into my soul from the apartment across the street. I mean, it was literally eating away at my soul trying to devour all that was good so it could lead me into the dark-side!

So I did what any rational 28 year old woman would do…I hid behind my husband yelling, “Is it gone yet?”

Of course it wasn’t gone.

Well, since it wasn’t leaving I knew I had to get a picture of it, to see if its eyes were glowing of course! From across the street my phone camera was doing a pretty poor job of capturing the demon, though.

That left me with only one other option – record it with the video camera.

Please excuse my squealing… I was dealing with a demon here though, I think I’m allowed to squeal, right?

It didn’t move while I was recording it, but several times yesterday I saw the demon’s head move, scanning the street for more souls to devour.

Doing something completely out of my element today, I worked up the courage to march across the street and get a closer look at this demon who had moved into my neighborhood to feast on the souls of the innocent.

Turns out it’s nothing but a freaking Garfield window cling.

Innocent? I think not!

I have this demon’s number. It’s just disguised as an innocent cute Garfield plush to lure the children into its lair!

It won’t get me!

How I Exasperate My Husband: The Series – Part 1

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Apologies for yesterday’s extremely too long, too rambly ramble rant about life. I’ll try not to do that again…

And now, I’d like to talk about how fun it is to annoy my husband!

For anyone who doesn’t know my husband, he’s a big nerd. I mean a D&D – comic books – Star Wars  kind of nerd. I always hear him and his friends talk about characters in short hand. For instance, Captain America becomes “Cap”. Superman is “Supes”. Batman becomes “Bats”. You get the idea.

So every time I hear my husband say “Cap”, I always follow it up with “tain America”. I don’t know why, but I get some sort of irrational aggravation that boils up inside of me every time I hear “Cap”.

Well, turns out I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I give shorthand to words that don’t need shorthand at all!

We have an entertainment store in town called Hastings, or to me “The Tings”. Yeah, I know, it’s nonsensical. Totes nonsensical. See I can’t be bothered to say totally. Totes can’t be bothered.

When I sit down to watch a movie I have some plopski. That’s not exactly shorthand for popcorn…I don’t know what you’d call that. Insanity maybe.

Well so I like to make my own words up. I think they sound better than “Cap”… but the sighs I get from my husband every time. Oh the sighs. They are what fuel me.

Mwahahahaha.