How I Exasperate My Husband: The Series – Part 1

9

Apologies for yesterday’s extremely too long, too rambly ramble rant about life. I’ll try not to do that again…

And now, I’d like to talk about how fun it is to annoy my husband!

For anyone who doesn’t know my husband, he’s a big nerd. I mean a D&D – comic books – Star Wars  kind of nerd. I always hear him and his friends talk about characters in short hand. For instance, Captain America becomes “Cap”. Superman is “Supes”. Batman becomes “Bats”. You get the idea.

So every time I hear my husband say “Cap”, I always follow it up with “tain America”. I don’t know why, but I get some sort of irrational aggravation that boils up inside of me every time I hear “Cap”.

Well, turns out I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I give shorthand to words that don’t need shorthand at all!

We have an entertainment store in town called Hastings, or to me “The Tings”. Yeah, I know, it’s nonsensical. Totes nonsensical. See I can’t be bothered to say totally. Totes can’t be bothered.

When I sit down to watch a movie I have some plopski. That’s not exactly shorthand for popcorn…I don’t know what you’d call that. Insanity maybe.

Well so I like to make my own words up. I think they sound better than “Cap”… but the sighs I get from my husband every time. Oh the sighs. They are what fuel me.

Mwahahahaha.

Advertisements

Merry Ho-Ho-Boo-Hoo

2

My husband is really morbid. I don’t know if he was dropped on his head a few too many times as a child, or what, but he sure does get a kick out of gross, sad, deeply disturbing things.

A couple of weeks ago he was giggling at the thought of my life on Christmas had he died that moment. “Would you just stare at the pile of gifts and cry?” He asked me as he giggled like a fat eight year on a shopping spree in a candy shop. He wondered would I ever open them, if I did would I enjoy them? What would I do with the gifts I gave him? Would I keep them for myself or would I return them? He went on and on as I melted into sobs, all the while he was giggling more and more.

Yes, he took this picture of me real time as he was spewing this sad crap!

What would I do if he knew he was going to die before Christmas, so arranged for gifts to be delivered to me each Christmas? There it would come, every Christmas, a reminder of my loss. What would I do if I had moved on from him, and was with someone else who made me happier? These are the things that kept spewing from his mouth!

Finally he stopped, realizing how upsetting these thoughts were. I cry at sappy McDonald’s commercials, so all these thoughts of my husband mysteriously dying days before Christmas….you know what I can’t talk about it, it’s just too sad.

Tonight he came up with a gem, there is a parallel universe where we are divorced and don’t even care about the Christmas gifts we have for each other now. Sigh.

This is what I live with. At least he keeps me entertained. It’s always untelling what is going to come out of his mouth next.